I had my first panic attack last night, awkward enough I was on skype with Sabrina. I knew it was coming simply because I needed my asthma pump--which I haven't used since last December. I sat there, I put my hands on my face, I got up and went to the bathroom because I felt the tears. I sat there and started shaking. I couldn't tell Sabrina what was going on. Luckily her computer died, so she texted me and told me maybe I needed a hug. I have friends, but no one that I would really go to and tell them my problems, I don't like expressing my problems, at all. I told her how I felt about her leaving if/when the time comes. I told her I don't think I'll be able to process it and she kept joking saying for me to come with her. I couldn't really laugh, she's ecstatic and of course I'm more than happy for her but--Us? I'm not happy with being away from my Fiance for a year+.
She told me Sunday night that I'm very insecure about our relationship--I thought about it long and hard because I'm the same with this aspect in every relationship. I do become afraid of losing the person I'm with...but then I thought about it, who the hell isn't? Like why wouldn't you be afraid of losing someone?
The past week everything has changed.
It went from "I don't plan on going to California because leaving my wife isn't in my plans" to "I'm applying to school in Cali, because one of us has to be there and you'll come after me." It went from "We'll get a apartment and a dog together in the city" to "Apartments in LA are so cheap." It went from "I'll be home the first week of November" to "I'm just going to stay until winter break or until they decide to kick me out."
Things change, but this was rapid.
All the dreams she expressed Saturday night, all the feelings I cried out Sunday night, pretty much are on hold yet again. We can't start US, 3000 miles apart. It doesn't work. Skype won't cut it for a year. It is going to eat me alive. But I know we can do it. We will do it.