Jovon

The damage is done but itll always stay "damage" as long as you hold on to it and leave it unrepaired. NO damage is permanent without the will to fix it.

I went to church yesterday and the sermon spoke to my heart. It was about love and how "young people" often throw away what they have. The preacher spoke about not letting our trials turn to tragedy and that though we aren't on a mountain through every step of our relationship and there are valleys that we have to cross love conquers all.
When you go to a holy place, whether you believe in God or the spirit but the word speaks to you, and it's directly dealing with a situation, you know that it was just for you. The preacher said "stay" because at the end of it all, nothing worth having is worth struggle.
In my mind I knew he was speaking to me. As if I were sitting alone in that church.

Then I got home. And received a phone call. Ending my relationship. As of April 1, 2012. I am a single woman. When I was being told this, I was calm. I did not cry. I was non chalant about everything and I spoke my mind as well. But around 4 this morning, it hit me. It hit me that the person I planned on spending the rest of my life with? The woman I love with every fiber of my being, she ended that. I no longer know where my heart is, and I can tell you I no longer know where my head is. I was not expecting it to hit me as soon as it did but it did.

Sigh. I'll continue this later.

I was never the insecure type. I guess I didn't need to be. I guess I didn't know how to be. Everyone I fucked with. Well. They wasn't shit for me to need to be insecure. But now it's like I'm too short. I don't dress well enough. I'm not the ideal ball player.

All I got is nice hair and great eyelashes. Sigh.

That girl can write beautiful poetry. But when it's about my fiancé. I get a cringe in my neck and want to stab teddy bears. Free country. I shouldn't be upset. I'm actually not at the moment. But people who rub me wrong will always rub me wrong.

I'm in my room. Just laying here. Thinking and shit. I need a vacation. A getaway from life. No phones. No twitter. No nothing. Just me. I'm tired of wondering who she's talking to at 3am on Skype. I'm tired of asking and getting shut down. I'm tired of being told she doesn't have time. No time for me but I always make time for you. I'm tired. Don't treat me less than I deserve. No matter how rough you are from past relationships. If we're in this. Be in it.
I hate being told one thing but shown another.

I shouldn't be left alone to thinking. Letting my mind run free after 2am is like letting a murderer free in a dim lit park at night. Dangerous.

My current is becoming my ex and my ex is my current. Throughout these past couple months she's changed, she killed that part of her, but it's coming back. I don't like it. Not at all.

I actually think I've already lost my sanity.
It's floating around somewhere with the fucks I used to give.

If I don't have sex soon.
I might just go crazy.