I think I'm just aggravated from being home these past 3 weeks. Sabrina always says "it gets harder every time you leave for me" but I don't know if she realizes it gets harder as well for me, but in a different way. I get irritated more and think about all the things I COULD be doing with her which I'm clearly not because im 3000+ miles away. Today, I was so aggravated. She told me I "lost my spunk" and that I was a lazeball, but I had an obligation to be home. My friend (we've been friends for years now, he's in a music group Left Field (LF) ) told me about his video shoot and invited me, well...my aunt was coming over so I really couldn't go. My aunt has already given me shit because spring break I didn't see her, summer break we saw each other a few times and then this break I've seen her twice, today which she specifically came out here to see me is our 2nd time seeing each other.

See, I've only told my best friend today...and I've spoken about it a little but I haven't verbally told Sabrina probably because it's hard to admit it but my grandmother is dying, well, more like killing herself. My grandmother is an alcoholic (which is a categorized to be a hereditary disease which is why I'm not a big fan of drinking) and she's been in the hospital a lot these past few months which no ones wanted to tell me. Well, I find out because my aunt always slips and tells me thinking my mom does, but of course my mom doesn't want to tell me stuff like that. Pretty much shes slowly going blind, and her kidneys aren't functioning correctly as well as..type 2 or 4 (not sure) diabetes. She's a winner. So, I've been in family mode since I've been home. My friends can understand that.

I have to be strong, always have. When it came to my great grandmothers cancer, my moms cancer, my grandmothers health issues, I keep it to myself. I'm not used to having a significant other that I can tell things to. And when I do I feel like I'm a burden, but then she just kind of ticked me off when she said I lost my spunk. No, I just had other more important things to take care of.

Then my mom, man, I can never win. It's like she wants me here then she doesn't, pick one. I feel like if I would've gone to the video shoot she would've given me shit forever. Hell, Sabrina was like "take out your clothes from the dryer so you don't have to hear your moms voice" EVEN when I took them out she still had something to say. Can't win.

Maybe I'm just overly aggravated because I miss Sabrina and my freedom, but when I come back something has to give.